The True Story of Easter
It really bothers me when the true story of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection gets mangled by movies, the media, and people who have read Wikipedia instead of their Bibles. So, I thought I would set the record straight for those who mangle the tale, so that they’re more educated. Anyone who is interested in learning about the full account can contact me, or just read the gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John in your New Testament.
The crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth
Exactly 2014 years and three days ago, our lord and savior was arrested in Gethsemane and then tried, mocked, and crucified. How did all of this come about to a man who was widely regarded as peaceful and wise? To know that, you have to know the man who ordered the deed, Julius Caesar.
Julius Caesar was the emperor of Rome, which was odd, because it was a republic. Anyway, one day after he had conquered all of Gaul, Caesar decided he was going to go home to Rome and rule, because he had earned so many military victories and he thought the senators in the city were all weak. Turns out, he was right, because when he crossed the Rubicon river with his army, which was against the law, no one really cared. Instead, they embraced him as emperor and completely disregarded their old republican government for a dictatorship.
Now, I understand how a lot of people would be confused that the Romans would give up their more representative government to be put under the thumb of one man. The error is in thinking Caesar was a man. He wasn’t. He was a god, and so the Romans were happy to be ruled by such an omniscient leader, especially his best friend Brutus, who introduced Caesar to a woman he met when he was vacationing in Egypt. Her name was Cleopatra, and she was the most beautiful woman in the world. She was so attractive, it was said that her face could launch a thousand feluccas. Caesar and Cleopatra got married because he was a god and she was the fairest maiden in the land. They were very happy, and everyone in Rome and Egypt and the whole world was happy too.
Then one day a commotion began to pick up in Jerusalem. A lot of people were becoming unhappy, even though Caesar was ruling his subjects in a pretty fair way, considering thousands of years ago you could like get knifed at a bar by a guy who had a bad day at work and no one would do anything about it. Julius Caesar just wanted to spread love to everyone, knowing that love was all they needed. But the people began to dissent from his rule and the man who was leading the dissension was Jesus of Nazareth. Jesus had just held a concert at a huge music festival called The Sermon on the Mount where he played a lot of songs people had never heard before, the closer being his newest hit, Love Hurts. It was an eye opening experience for many, as they realized the empire of love that Caesar had created was actually an empire of hurt.
“Nazareth!” Caesar shouted from the balcony of his imperial palace when he learned of the news. Cleopatra came to him when she heard his cries.
“Nazareth… are you talking about Jesus?” Cleopatra said.
“Yes, what do you know about him?!”
“I heard he used to be a carpenter, but he was so bad at it that he went on tour instead playing shows. He has long, auburn hair -”
“Long hair?! He’s one of those hippies, isn’t he?!”
“Don’t interrupt me,” Cleopatra said, “He has long, auburn hair, a well-trimmed beard and porcelain skin, unlike the other people in the east who are swarthy and unkempt. He’s like a hotter version of Jared Leto.”
Celopatra was visibly swooning. This troubled Caesar a great deal, so he summoned his greatest pilot, Poncho, and gave him instructions to fly east to Jerusalem, find Jesus, and kill him before a rebellion began.
After Poncho landed, he searched throughout Jerusalem for Jesus, but was having no luck, so he hired a man named Judas to lure Jesus out. Judas and Jesus used to be in a band together, but the band wasn’t big enough for both of their egos, especially after Judas released his single Hey Jude which was trending pretty well. Judas decided to become a solo artist, but Jesus proved to be so much more popular because somehow he always managed to provide free wine at his shows.
Judas was overcome with jealousy and gave Jesus up to Poncho the pilot for 30 Reese’s Pieces (which is why Reese’s dominates the Easter candy market, but that’s another story). Jesus was brought to trial and when asked why he was orchestrating dissent against the god-emperor, he said, “There is only one God, and He is my father. So sayeth the King of the Jews!”
The judge who heard Jesus’ story, Harold, said to Poncho, “Did he say he was the King of the Jews?”
“Did he say ‘sayeth’?” Poncho said.
Harold stood up and slammed his tiny judge-hammer and said, “There’s only one king and his name is Elvis! i sentence you to be crucified ASAP!”
Jesus’ only response was to flick his hair and roll his eyes, which was his trademark gesture. It was written that a couple women in the courtroom blushed and giggled when he did so. They were stoned immediately, as was right.
The next day, Jesus underwent the terrible ordeal. First, his teeth were flossed by the Roman soldiers, which humiliated a rebel like Jesus down to his core. Then they ridiculed him for his long hair and feminine yet masculine cheekbones and draped him in a purple robe – princely colors that mocked the so-called King. Jesus then had to haul his own cross up to Golgotha, or place of the skull. Jesus didn’t agree with a lot of what was happening to him, but he thought place of the skull was a pretty metal name. The only time Jesus broke a little was on the way to Golgotha, when he totally gothed out like a bitch and made a crown of thorns from a rose bush to wear for the rest of the day. The older people thought he was being a bit dramatic, but the young people dug it.
At the crucifixion site, Jesus was offered wine mixed with gall to drink to ease the pain, but instead he packed a giant bowl of reefer and smoked it all by inhaling only once. Everyone was impressed, even though it was now confirmed to them that he actually was a hippie. But the mad inhale he just performed was so intense… maybe he was the son of God after all?
Finally he was crucified, which was what most of the people were thinking because the whole ordeal seemed to take forever and they had a lot of sheep shearing and weed pulling to do back home. Even Jesus’ followers and his mom and prostitute girlfriend went home after it became clear that he was going to writhe on the cross for a long time, instead of dying quickly.
Jesus was high on weed, but also his own mortality, and the world around him morphed and changed thus. He saw a man in a black robe with a snake wrapped around his neck who weaved in and out of the Roman soldiers. He recognized him as a man named Lou who offered him a lucrative record contract back in Western Galilee if he went pop. Jesus refused of course, because he was a real rocker, and even though his wrists were nailed to the cross, he flipped Lou the double bird.
The Roman soldiers reached their breaking point of waiting around for Jesus to die, so one guy got a spear and stabbed Jesus in the side so they could go to the bar, drink and molest the beer maidens. As Jesus’ life was fading away, he looked down at the multitude of Roman soldiers and said, “Gah, I heard you guys were legion, but this is ridiculous. There’s so many of you, you must breed like rabbits.”Just then, the Roman soldiers began to look like rabbits to him. It was a horrible trip. It was so bad that Jesus looked up to the sky and prayed to his dad that rabbits were jerks, so they should be punished.
God listened to the prayers of his son and turned all of the soldiers into chocolate rabbits. He also cursed actual rabbits with a 15% chance that instead of giving birth to babies as they had always done, they would lay a pastel-colored egg and from that egg would hatch a chick made of marshmallow. The pastel egg would be easily spotted by predators, who then would devour everything that was alive in the nest, which is why rabbits are an endangered species today.
Jesus died and was buried in a tomb, the entrance to which was sealed with a giant rock just because. Three days later, when Jesus’ whore girlfriend finally freed up enough time out of her packed fucking-dudes-for-money schedule to visit Jesus’ resting place, she was shocked to see that the giant rock had been moved aside, and Jesus was outside hanging out with a bunch of kids, laughing and playing. When she got closer, she noticed that the kids were hitting him with sticks, and out of his spear-wound spilled all kinds of candy and treats. This was how pinatas were invented, and why Mexicans are so devoutly christian.